Deepest Heart

I made (or make) the world that I see. It is my version of the greater world. Thus, I am responsible for what I see. I think I understand what that means, yet I must remind myself that it is so. I forget. I get caught up in the (my) perception of an outside world coming at me. But the world I see is not coming at me, it is coming from me.

The world I see is neutral, but the thoughts that form it are not neutral. Mind is very powerful, and never stops. I want very much to go beyond these writings, the text of my deepest heart. I want to awaken, and see that I was always home. When I say that, it reminds me that I did awaken. The world that I still react to as if it is outside me is over. It is over because it never was.

This "I" thinks it is autonomous. It thinks it is separate from "you". It thinks there is a world outside. Not only does it think these things, it demands these things are so. It defends these beliefs with a great ferocity. It keeps the world before me, blinding me to my own reality. At the same time, it prevents me from recalling, realizing, that I am responsible for it. This "I" is the self I made. It does not exist.

But then, what does exist? I sense another self, even now, in this false present. It exists. It is not apart, it is not separate, it is not another self. It just feels that way, because I have been so convinced that I am an individual being, living among other beings, that I forgot how to recognize my Self. "Myself is nothing, but my Self is everything." --A Course In Miracles."

I am learning, when I speak about myself, to picture everything, every rock, every flower, every slap, every caress, as included in this "I". In other words, I am learning that everything I see (including what I think I cannot see), is me. Yes, even the "bad" things. This exercise helps me to forgive the world I see. I imagine this "I" as a radio tower, broadcasting its signal to all the earth, and "out" to the universe. But I must keep in mind that I am forming the earth and universe; not that it all exists on its own, and I move into it. I am making it.

But I must accept that I want the world I see. I believe this is what ACIM means when it says that we must hide nothing from the Holy Spirit. I see a world because I want a world. I want to hide. I am afraid. I am convinced of my unworthiness. I am a sinner, a murderer, a cheater of a divine love that I fear is a damning love. And yet, I still want it.

This is the hell we know. It is all we know. We catch glimpses, flashes of light, but the world is given precedence because it is so loud, so garish in its seeming assault on our senses. But all the while, One goes with us. That One is us.